I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I can't turn off my feet"
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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