YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
