So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
