so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
