Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
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