Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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