literally had 100 drinks last night.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize