Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
