Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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