Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
