bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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