hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Randomize