I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Be still, my beating vagina.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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