I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
