My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
