i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
