I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
