Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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