Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
