the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
