I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
