sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
