How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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