I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
