Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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