Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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