two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize