I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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