So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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