I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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