i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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