she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
