im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
