My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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