the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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