he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
