just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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