She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
