either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
