I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
