The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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