PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
