New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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