I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
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