i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
