I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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