I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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