he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
