I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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