Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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