Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
