my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
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