I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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