Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
